Okay, since Sept. 10, I've been trying to log in to do some blogging but for some reason, I could never successfully log in. I've had some serious life-changing events happen....on Friday Sept. 10. My grandmother, Marjorie left this world. I still cry when I say it, and it's been 17 days.. **sigh**
She was my dad's Mom. My dad was killed by electrocution on the job, when I was only four years old, and he....not even 23. My Grandma wasn't your typical little, old, helpless lady. She was a Scottish lass that was full of life and fire for all but her last couple years of life. Oh how she spoiled, yet loved me in a way unlike any other! You see, I was really special because I was a survivor of her lost son. It wasn't even a year later that my Grandfather joined my Dad, and it was another freak accident. My dear Grandma suffered many a hard blow.
I wonder though....She was diagnosed with alzheimers about 6 years ago. She was lucid until about a year ago, then the true dementia stole her memories, and confused her thoughts. It makes me wonder, if losing some of these heartbreaking memories, was a good thing in a way?? I don't know, I just try to rationalize things, and maybe I even over-think things sometimes.
On to more...okay, so I went Tuesday to see her for the last time, she was going to be cremated, so this was not a typical viewing. There she lay, on a cold hard metal table in the mortuary with a sheet and blanket covering her. Simple, but it seemed so impersonal. I know the Mortuary did the bare minimum to accomodate the family, and it made me feel a whole plethora of emotion, from anger to emptiness. Where was her favorite "I love my Grandchildren" sweater? What about her hands? They were under the sheet, and we couldn't hold them. It tore me up in so many ways!
She has a very large family, and her three surviving sons couldn't bring themselves to go see her....I can understand that. Her two daughters went, and a handful of her grandchildren went too. But the place seemed so empty. I went alone. My husband had taken off work for the weekend to stay with me, but he had to work on Tuesday. And believe me, he did a magnificent job of being there for me, losing someone close is a hard thing for him to deal with too.
My Mom.....hah, well...she was immersed in her own thing, couldn't even hug me to comfort me for my loss.
The family that was there, all are very close to me and they were there for me, but I needed to be there for them too. It was just a very difficult day all in all. So difficult in fact, that I had internalized so much hurt through the day, that I just needed to find something else that would take away from it a bit. I decided to pierce my lip....the next day I did. Unfortunately it didn't hurt like I thought it would, so I didn't get my pain fix. GRRRRRR!!
Anyway, the hurt is still there and I'm trying to ride it out. I don't know how long my mourning will be, because her loss re-opened my loss of my Dad, so it is doubled. Doing this-journaling, seems to help a little though. I don't have any followers or comments, but if there is anyone out there who has any advice, PLEASE speak up. I know I'm not alone in my hurt.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Coffee and quiet
So, yesterday I began this blog and I admit, I still have a lot to learn about it, but I browsed around at other blogs to get an idea.....found many really good ones too! Anyway, so, here it is at 8:14 in the morning and I'm enjoying my coffee and quiet time. Kids are all off at school, and hubby is at work.
My day off. **smiles**
As for yesterday, my poor Mariah (13 year old) was sick enough for me to be convinced to keep her home. I let her rest through the morning, intending to take her to the dr's office after lunch for a walk-in. We go and the parking lot looks like a ghost town....hmmm....it's usually starting to get busy with people trying to get there early.
So I go to the door, and there's nobody. Not even a receptionist. Wow! So, forget the doctor!
We run to the grocery store for soup and crackers, oh and a little ice cream, ha! Bring her home and get her in bed.
The good thing is, I think that helped. She is back to school today, and will be going to her cross country practice.
I got the CT results, and while it says everything looks good, I know that there is something going on! The pain is very real, and pain is usually your body saying "something is not right with me." Pshhh.....so, now what? GRRR!
My day off. **smiles**
As for yesterday, my poor Mariah (13 year old) was sick enough for me to be convinced to keep her home. I let her rest through the morning, intending to take her to the dr's office after lunch for a walk-in. We go and the parking lot looks like a ghost town....hmmm....it's usually starting to get busy with people trying to get there early.
So I go to the door, and there's nobody. Not even a receptionist. Wow! So, forget the doctor!
We run to the grocery store for soup and crackers, oh and a little ice cream, ha! Bring her home and get her in bed.
The good thing is, I think that helped. She is back to school today, and will be going to her cross country practice.
I got the CT results, and while it says everything looks good, I know that there is something going on! The pain is very real, and pain is usually your body saying "something is not right with me." Pshhh.....so, now what? GRRR!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Pain journaling....I guess.
So, I'm finding myself wondering about the various stages of my health...So here I was Wednesday, coming back home from Albuquerque . Had a CT done for my flank pain. I'm thinking "I know this is my stinkin kidney again." After all, I should know, right? 14 years of kidney problems...I should know when it's my kidneys.
Thursday night, the day hasn't been so bad. Pain on and off. From 1-10, it's maybe at 5 or 6. Not a problem. I can deal with it up to about 7....then from there, pain starts showing outwardly and people start noticing. I, for the most part, am able to keep it to myself until that point. Anyway, so I'm at work on Thursday night, and I go from a 6 to 8 real quick.....wth?! I'm at work, come on now! I only have 3 customers, but they're starting to look at me funny. Aw man. It's like "Hey....pssst!! Kristy, your pain is showing." So, I take a seat and try to remain impassive.
9:40 p.m. I think I can get through this just fine....flinch.... Ok....maybe not. Two more people walk in....Yessss!! No, really, it was a good thing because it's a couple friends of mine. "you okay? you don't look so good...." So finally I'm honest. No, I'm not okay. Hurts. She sees it and she knows.
My patrons know too, but being under a cloud of alcaheimers, allows them to be concerned, then forget. It's all good. I don't want to hear "Are you ok?" over and over again.
10:20: I tell my customers that it's going to be time to go. I'm now at a high 8, shaking like a leaf, going to hide in back room. I listen to the conversations of everyone, hear the glasses and the chink of the ice as they are being emptied. I also hear a vibrating of the iron bars behind me.....what?! ....oh okay. I'm leaning on them and they are shaking because I'm shaking. Super sharp pains on my right side nearly bring me to my knees. Tears spring into my eyes. Great, so now I'm crying too!! Syn walks back and checks on me. She wants to help. I let her. My phone is dead, I can't call my husband, who is also at work. I surrender and allow my friend to take me home. I'm so stubborn, I swear! Can't stand up straight, hunched over like a decrepit old woman. I feel like a fool. Shaking, crying.....only two people saw me that way that night. I wouldn't let my patrons see me, I hate the looks I get when people see me like that.
"Do you want me to take you to the ER?" No, No! They don't do shit with this. I sit there for 3 hours before they acknowledge, or get a clue that I'm in pain. Cibola General ER sucks! seriously!
She drives me home and I make sure I get my butt up the steps just fine in front of her. I get inside the door, and let myself fall on the couch.
Deep exhale..found my migraine meds that make me sleep. Praying for sleep.
I turn on the heating pad, and lay there....tears....sharp, white hot pain....can't sleep.
1:31 a.m. Fever....not bad. Just 101. Finally feeling the drowsing effects...sigh. sleep.
So fast forward to 1:15 Friday afternoon...setting, Dr's office.
"So, what's going on?" Doc asks me. I hold up 3 fingers and say There are three things.....1...I was working last night, and I had a bout of really bad right flank pain. I'm pretty sure it's my kidney. I had a CT on Wednesday that my urologist wanted to check for stones. I don't think it's stones, I really don't. CT results? Don't know.
2....well, the ongoing headahes that NEVER go away....They are there everyday. I don't need glasses, there is no undue stress, until now, but I was having them before this whole pain thing.
I go on and talk about the other one....That's another subject altogether though.
Doc thinks I have a minor infection, gives me pain meds, then gives me anti-biotics. I hate this. I was just prior to this, living a completely great and normal life. Besides the off and on abnormal pain that happens here and there, to remind me, that- No, I'm not normal. Nice front though!! hah!
Thursday night, the day hasn't been so bad. Pain on and off. From 1-10, it's maybe at 5 or 6. Not a problem. I can deal with it up to about 7....then from there, pain starts showing outwardly and people start noticing. I, for the most part, am able to keep it to myself until that point. Anyway, so I'm at work on Thursday night, and I go from a 6 to 8 real quick.....wth?! I'm at work, come on now! I only have 3 customers, but they're starting to look at me funny. Aw man. It's like "Hey....pssst!! Kristy, your pain is showing." So, I take a seat and try to remain impassive.
9:40 p.m. I think I can get through this just fine....flinch.... Ok....maybe not. Two more people walk in....Yessss!! No, really, it was a good thing because it's a couple friends of mine. "you okay? you don't look so good...." So finally I'm honest. No, I'm not okay. Hurts. She sees it and she knows.
My patrons know too, but being under a cloud of alcaheimers, allows them to be concerned, then forget. It's all good. I don't want to hear "Are you ok?" over and over again.
10:20: I tell my customers that it's going to be time to go. I'm now at a high 8, shaking like a leaf, going to hide in back room. I listen to the conversations of everyone, hear the glasses and the chink of the ice as they are being emptied. I also hear a vibrating of the iron bars behind me.....what?! ....oh okay. I'm leaning on them and they are shaking because I'm shaking. Super sharp pains on my right side nearly bring me to my knees. Tears spring into my eyes. Great, so now I'm crying too!! Syn walks back and checks on me. She wants to help. I let her. My phone is dead, I can't call my husband, who is also at work. I surrender and allow my friend to take me home. I'm so stubborn, I swear! Can't stand up straight, hunched over like a decrepit old woman. I feel like a fool. Shaking, crying.....only two people saw me that way that night. I wouldn't let my patrons see me, I hate the looks I get when people see me like that.
"Do you want me to take you to the ER?" No, No! They don't do shit with this. I sit there for 3 hours before they acknowledge, or get a clue that I'm in pain. Cibola General ER sucks! seriously!
She drives me home and I make sure I get my butt up the steps just fine in front of her. I get inside the door, and let myself fall on the couch.
Deep exhale..found my migraine meds that make me sleep. Praying for sleep.
I turn on the heating pad, and lay there....tears....sharp, white hot pain....can't sleep.
1:31 a.m. Fever....not bad. Just 101. Finally feeling the drowsing effects...sigh. sleep.
So fast forward to 1:15 Friday afternoon...setting, Dr's office.
"So, what's going on?" Doc asks me. I hold up 3 fingers and say There are three things.....1...I was working last night, and I had a bout of really bad right flank pain. I'm pretty sure it's my kidney. I had a CT on Wednesday that my urologist wanted to check for stones. I don't think it's stones, I really don't. CT results? Don't know.
2....well, the ongoing headahes that NEVER go away....They are there everyday. I don't need glasses, there is no undue stress, until now, but I was having them before this whole pain thing.
I go on and talk about the other one....That's another subject altogether though.
Doc thinks I have a minor infection, gives me pain meds, then gives me anti-biotics. I hate this. I was just prior to this, living a completely great and normal life. Besides the off and on abnormal pain that happens here and there, to remind me, that- No, I'm not normal. Nice front though!! hah!
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