Something wicked this way comes....

Okay, since Sept. 10, I've been trying to log in to do some blogging but for some reason, I could never successfully log in.  I've had some serious life-changing events happen....on Friday Sept. 10. My grandmother, Marjorie left this world.  I still cry when I say it, and it's been 17 days.. **sigh** 

She was my dad's Mom.  My dad was killed by electrocution on the job, when I was only four years old, and he....not even 23.  My Grandma wasn't your typical little, old, helpless lady.  She was a Scottish lass that was full of life and fire for all but her last couple years of life.  Oh how she spoiled, yet loved me in a way unlike any other!  You see, I was really special because I was a survivor of her lost son.  It wasn't even a year later that my Grandfather joined my Dad, and it was another freak accident.  My dear Grandma suffered many a hard blow. 
I wonder though....She was diagnosed with alzheimers about 6 years ago.  She was lucid until about a year ago, then the true dementia stole her memories, and confused her thoughts.  It makes me wonder, if losing some of these heartbreaking memories, was a good thing in a way??  I don't know, I just try to rationalize things, and maybe I even over-think things sometimes. 

On to more...okay, so I went Tuesday to see her for the last time, she was going to be cremated, so this was not a typical viewing.  There she lay, on a cold hard metal table in the mortuary with a sheet and blanket covering her.  Simple, but it seemed so impersonal.  I know the Mortuary did the bare minimum to accomodate the family, and it made me feel a whole plethora of emotion, from anger to emptiness.  Where was her favorite "I love my Grandchildren" sweater?  What about her hands?  They were under the sheet, and we couldn't hold them.  It tore me up in so many ways! 
She has a very large family, and her three surviving sons couldn't bring themselves to go see her....I can understand that.  Her two daughters went, and a handful of her grandchildren went too.  But the place seemed so empty.  I went alone.  My husband had taken off work for the weekend to stay with me, but he had to work on Tuesday. And believe me, he did a magnificent job of being there for me, losing someone close is a hard thing for him to deal with too.
My Mom.....hah, well...she was immersed in her own thing, couldn't even hug me to comfort me for my loss. 
The family that was there, all are very close to me and they were there for me, but I needed to be there for them too.  It was just a very difficult day all in all.  So difficult in fact, that I had internalized so much hurt through the day, that I just needed to find something else that would take away from it a bit.  I decided to pierce my lip....the next day I did.  Unfortunately it didn't hurt like I thought it would, so I didn't get my pain fix.  GRRRRRR!! 

Anyway, the hurt is still there and I'm trying to ride it out.  I don't know how long my mourning will be, because her loss re-opened my loss of my Dad, so it is doubled.  Doing this-journaling, seems to help a little though.  I don't have any followers or comments, but if there is anyone out there who has any advice, PLEASE speak up.  I know I'm not alone in my hurt. 

Coffee and quiet

So, yesterday I began this blog and I admit, I still have a lot to learn about it, but I browsed around at other blogs to get an idea.....found many really good ones too!  Anyway, so, here it is at 8:14 in the morning and I'm enjoying my coffee and quiet time.  Kids are all off at school, and hubby is at work.
My day off.  **smiles**

As for yesterday, my poor Mariah (13 year old) was sick enough for me to be convinced to keep her home.  I let her rest through the morning, intending to take her to the dr's office after lunch for a walk-in.  We go and the parking lot looks like a ghost town....hmmm....it's usually starting to get busy with people trying to get there early. 
So I go to the door, and there's nobody.  Not even a receptionist.  Wow!  So, forget the doctor!
We run to the grocery store for soup and crackers, oh and a little ice cream, ha!  Bring her home and get her in bed. 

The good thing is, I think that helped.  She is back to school today, and will be going to her cross country practice. 

I got the CT results, and while it says everything looks good, I know that there is something going on!  The pain is very real, and pain is usually your body saying "something is not right with me."  Pshhh.....so, now what?  GRRR!